What if you could earn money by feeling worse? |
Sometimes when you are trying to find your way, it’s useful
to look at where you DON’T want to go and use that as your guide.
Throughout our lives, much of our behaviour is designed with
the ultimate goal of creating a positive emotional state. In effect, I want the
better job, the cream cheese bagel, the Hawaiian holiday, and even a sense of
meaning and purpose BECAUSE I believe that if I get those things I will be
happy. Or content. Or joyful. Or at least not depressed.
We spend our lives oriented in this one direction, and often
seem to miss the target: we don't feel all that happy. Daniel Gilbert has
written an excellent book, Stumbling on Happiness, showing that human beings
are fairly poor at guessing what will make them happy in the future. As a
result, a good part of our lives is spent pursuing goals that will not give us
what we imagine.
In our depression groups, people would often try to figure
out what might help them feel better, and they felt blocked or stumped in this
quest. So we turned the question around and asked what they might do if they
wanted to feel worse instead. Suddenly the barriers evaporated and people came
up with all kinds of ideas. Listen to country music, call up a critical
relative, sit naked in front of a mirror – the main challenge was stopping the
exercise once it got rolling.
The secret, of course, is that most roads downward run both
ways. Behind each technique for producing misery lies an alternative that may
lead to an alleviation of misery, or even to a positive emotional state. As
well, once we come up with a list of strategies to make ourselves unhappy we
can sometimes realize with a shock that we are already doing many of these
things – as though we really did want to feel worse, not better.
I find that this is almost always a helpful exercise for
people’s personal growth or therapy. What would you do if your agenda was to
feel unhappy, stuck, bored, depressed, burned out, or otherwise dissatisfied
with your life? What has led you in that direction in the past? What
strategies, yet untried, do you think would lead you there if you put them into
practice?
The exercise looks like it’s headed the wrong way. But I believe we
have greater clarity when we look for things that make us feel worse than when
we try to imagine what will make us feel better. In effect, by generating the
list and using it as guidance to find the opposite, we may produce greater
improvement than by chasing unsatisfying rainbows.
For the purpose of this posting, let’s try a challenge.
Imagine that 10 days from now you could win a large sum of
money (in my groups, we make it $10 million - what the heck, it's imaginary) if
you could make yourself more unhappy on that day than you are now. I’m giving
you 10 days because maybe some of your strategies won’t work right away and
require some time to have their undesired effect.
The fine print: You can only do or change THREE things
(maximum) in your mind or life. And you can't list anything that's not in your
own power to do (no alien invasions, no global economic meltdowns).
So: I dare you. If you wanted to feel worse, you would …
1. ___________________________________
2. ___________________________________
3. ___________________________________
Reply and suggest your three options. Let’s see what you come up with. If I get enough replies I'll tabulate them and comment in a future post.
The $10 Million Question is a central part of our new online course, a cognitive behavioral guide to self-care for depression. Though not a substitute for professional face-to-face care, UnDoing Depression may be a useful adjunct to your efforts. The preview is below. For 50% off the regular fee of $140 USD, use coupon code “changeways70” when you visit our host site, here.
We also have courses for professionals and for the public entitled What Is Depression, What Causes Depression, Diagnosing Depression, Cognitive Behavioral Group Treatment of Depression, How to Buy Happiness, and Breathing Made Easy. For the full list with previews and substantial discounts, visit us at the Courses page of the Changeways Clinic website.